Terrible, mostly useless Game of Thrones recap thread

Game of Thrones S2 E7 A man without Hono(u)r

We open with Theon being an incredible ****. He let the boys escape, can't find them so blames everybody else, the wispy bearded little tosspot. Even his hounds suck.

In Tywin land, Arya is nearly rumbled (again) because of the way she pronounces "My Lord". Jesus wept, like that is the case breaking clue!

In King's Landing, Sansa has her first ever menstruation which means she now has to marry Joffrey. Everybody is sympathetic.

At Robb's camp, Alton Lannister has been sent to say nuh uh to the peace terms. Then Robb decides he has to go on a trip so Jaime kills, Alton, escapes and is re-captured. Catelyn is forced to try and stop Jaime being killed but then after a chat with him where he is like a Star Wars fan in a chat room with Kathleen Kennedy she is all "**** this, give me a sword!"

With Jon, the lass from Up TH'North mocks him about being a virgin, runs off and leads him into an ambush by her mates. Just like a night in Leeds!

With Dani, stuff happens but really all we care about is the dragons and now she knows where to look for them.

Fantasy Rating: Nah, not even registering
Best fantasy Name: Meh.
DIE! Poor Alton.
Cunning Scheme: Not much in the way of cunning.

Game of Thrones S2 E8 - The Prince of Winterfell

It's been a while and I have mostly forgotten everything so this might be ropey. Let's see!

So stupid bumbling virgin Jon got captured and is going to be killed but the girl from Leeds saves him and then they decide to try and make him into a spy. Meanwhile his mates notice he is missing but don't make a plan to do anything about it. Why would they? They had already been looking for another missing person and failed, they are mostly now just on a jolly.

Over with Dani - she wants her dragons back but is warned to just leave but she isn't doing that and asks to be taken to The House of the Undying. Yeah, I would abandon those dragons in a hot minute. The House of the Undying sounds like something that appears on Chris Redfield's plane ticket as he is given a new mission.

Theon is told that he basically wasted his time conquering Winterfell as he can't defend it and also people are a bit miffed about all the orphan slaughter. Theon, of course, does not listen.

Fingerblaster is making plans to defend his castle and Joffrey is all boasting about how he will fight. His mother obviously realising he is complete tool cooks up a plan - kidnap Fingerblaster's hooker girlfriend but d'oh, she kidnaps the wrong one! Oh how Fingerblaster must laugh!

FB's dad, Tywin can't decide whether to go take on Robb or to go save Cersei and Joffrey. He decides to go have a bundle with Robb leaving Arya behind. She comes up with an actually quite good plan - she calls in her third assassin target with Jaqen H'gharand gives him his own name which she will not rescind unless he helps her and the other too (Mmm Hotpie!) escape, which he does.

Robb has the hump that Jaime is being offered in exchange for the two Stark girls and blames his mother, Catelyn. He makes plans to have Theon's men betray him and then he randomly sleeps with some lady despite being betrothed.

It feels like we are building up to a battle, let's hope it is messy!

Fantasy Rating: OK-ish.
Best fantasy Name: Hotpie obviously but that might also be a different type of fantasy
DIE! The guards got it and so nearly did Jaqen!
Cunning Scheme: The plan went very wrong, oh how Fingerblaster will have his revenge!

Not yet! I haven't had time or opportunity to watch any more episodes but will get back to it. I have to at least finish Season 2!

Game of Thrones Season 2 Episode 9: Blackwater

A quick re-cap: Stannah Stairlift is on his way to King's Landing and Fingerblaster is planning defence.

Now, have you ever heard of Sir Francis Drake and the Spanish Armada? George RR Martin has! Fingerblaster lands a heavy blow by borrowing the tactic "fire boat" and Stannah sails right into it! Despite this setback, Stannah Stairlift lands troops ashore and responds with "arrows". Several people inside Kings Landing solve the attacking army with wine. Joffrey, of course, does something very stupid which depletes his troop morale and leaves Fingerblaster to try and pull it together but he is wounded in combat. Cersei is warned without Joffrey (why?) they are doomed but she is too pissed to care and storms out. Sansa is also going nowhere despite being co-erced to do so by The Hound.

Pictured: The Hound was mildly perplexed that his "the world is full of killers...like me!" speech didn't work on Sansa.

Cersei in a mother of the year attempt mixes deadly poison for her son and herself.

It looks like curtains...

BUT then...Tywin shows up with his army and somebody is disguised as Renly and they proper mess up Stannah and his men, Tywin stops the suicidal blonde and Renly is Loras Tyrell! Wait:

Oh yes, Renly's "chum"! With chest shaving! Strangely a quick search for "Renly chest shaving" came up empty (possibly I needed more words, more specific words) so that just leaves us with

Fantasy Rating: Basically just a battle.
Best fantasy Name: We don't have time for funny names, too many arrows!
DIE! The whole episode is basically an assassination attempt and Cersei too!
Cunning Scheme: Fingerblaster does pretty well but later is betrayed himself! I guess the scales balance.

@KGB said:
You left out your ratings for the episode.

At the time this was released it was far and away the best episode of the series due to the battle elements. It was the first big expensive episode HBO green lit. It still remains one of the highest rated episodes of the series.

KGB

D'oh! Edited! And yeah, it was pretty good!

Game of Thrones Season 2 Episode 10: Valar Morghulis (maybe?)

So this is it, the end of Season 2! With his father's success at King's Landing, things aren't going too well for Fingerblaster who has been stripped of his role and pretty much all his power. Various is pretty gleeful about this and though he thanks FB for defending the city he also notes absolutely nobody else is gonna say good job.

Now the battle is done it is time to sort out the spoils of war. Tywin and Littlefinger are given high ranks, Loras Tyrell requests that Joffrey marry his sister instead of Sansa. Sansa is at first happy until LF points out that it just means Joffrey can torment her even more without needing to care. LF promises to help Sansa escape. Hmm.

Over with Stannah, he survived and retreated and is now raging at Melissa for being a **** witch and not foretelling his defeat and she is all "well it doesn't always work, magic isn't an exact science!". That fills him with murder rage and he attempts to strangle her before she reminds him of the terrible monster thing they made together and he is "Oh yeah, I do rock! Semen of champions!" and convinced he will be king.

Robb continues to do absolutely nothing.

Over with Theon, the comedy antics continue as he tries to defend his castle with just 20 men who of course betray him! He is knocked out, bagged up and made off to deliver to the attacking armies Roose Bolton. Br(i)an and the gang come out of hiding and are sent North to go find Jon. We'll get to him soon.

Arya, Hot Pie and crew bump into Jaqen the kickarse assassin. He offers to turn Arya into an assassin but she says no so he gives her a coin which has this episodes title on saying to show it to any of his kin and they will take her to him.

What's up with Dani? She has reached the totally not bogus House of the Undying where she is immediately teleported away from her companions and into a room with many doors like a Game of Thrones Murderworld. She opens one and she sees a vision of Kings Landing ruined. She tries another one and there Drogo and their charcoaled son. She goes back to the first room and there are her dragons chained up. Pyat Pree then bangs on about how Dani and the Drags are the source of his renewed power. Dani isn't bothered and says "Dracyrs" or something similar. Nothing happens so she tries again and then like a second hand car trying to start, the dragons burst their chains. Then also like a second hand car somebody gets incinerated as it bursts into flames. And that was the end of Pyat Pree, who really achieved nothing in his short GOT life. Dani got betrayed but she soons sorts that out and ends up with enough gold to buy a ship.

So then we come to Jon, poor stupid virgin Jon. Still captive he is lead to the camp to the King Beyond the Wall. Qhorin pretends to accuse Jon of treachery to try and facilitate his escape and engages in a duel where he proper winds Jon up (not that hard to be fair), Jon of course kills him. This ridiculous plan of course fai...oh it works? Ha ha, really? So without having the slightest clue, Jon is set free as everybody is very impressed at him being an imbecile! The Northern Lass promises to take Jon to see her king, presumably somebody famous from Leeds. Vic Reeves? Ooh, it could be Mel B! Viva Forever! Stop right now, thank you very much, I don't need somebody with a virgin touch! Sorry Jon, that was uncalled for. Spice up your life!

At The Fist of the Fisty Men, the rest of Jon's crew hear some horns and an army of wights led by a White Walker descend obviously eager for a bit of fisting.

And that is where we end!

SEASON OVERVIEW

It's been a rollercoaster filled with very stupid people doing absurd things but who cares? We are still throning, baby!

KEEPING AN EYE ON:

Arya - I could be well off base but if ever I saw the set up for some Ninja journey assassin stuff, lights are flashing green! And it is going to be cringey I fear...like Medieval Karate Kid.

Robb - Will he ever do anything again?

Fingerblaster - He is down but he is used to that, I expect great things!

Sansa - I really hope she gets to grow a bit instead of "captive" or "hostage potential" and she had better stab Joffrey!

Jon - He needs to step up! Go get laid man, then you'll be fine! The Northern lass can help with that or maybe Mel B has a brothel!

Theon - Ha ha ha ha.

Br(i)an - Yay he has gone a few episodes without anyone trying to kill him, he can do this (gets shot with an arrow immediately Season 3 probably)

Thanks for wasting your time on reading this and I'll see all 3 of you soon for Season 3!

I left Dani off the KEEPING AN EYE ON section as I have absolutely no idea what the plan is with her. She is pretty much obviously building and building and seems incredibly important but who can trust GoT? She will probably end up selling hot dogs grilled by her dragons at Littlefingers "Hogs n Dogs" Pig Racing track for all I know.

@Scofie said:

@DAZ0273 said:
I left Dani off the KEEPING AN EYE ON section as I have absolutely no idea what the plan is with her. She is pretty much obviously building and building and seems incredibly important but who can trust GoT? She will probably end up selling hot dogs grilled by her dragons at Littlefingers "Hogs n Dogs" Pig Racing track for all I know.

Please use the Spoiler annotation... 🤣

Wait which bit is the spoiler, the hog or the dog?!?!!!

Anyway - Dani ends up at Burger K(spoiler)

@Scofie said:

@DAZ0273 said:

@Scofie said:

@DAZ0273 said:
I left Dani off the KEEPING AN EYE ON section as I have absolutely no idea what the plan is with her. She is pretty much obviously building and building and seems incredibly important but who can trust GoT? She will probably end up selling hot dogs grilled by her dragons at Littlefingers "Hogs n Dogs" Pig Racing track for all I know.

Please use the Spoiler annotation... 🤣

Wait which bit is the spoiler, the hog or the dog?!?!!!

Anyway - Dani ends up at Burger K(spoiler)

What happens at the pig racing track stays at the pig racing track....

Until Jon arrives with his “I’ve never Bacon’ed anyone” and you just know Mel B is gonna be rolling eyes.