Terrible, mostly useless Game of Thrones recap thread

DAZ0273

@bigjojo04 said:
So who is giving me some deep dish pizza?

Would you like some extra scheming on top of that?

DAZ0273

Things are looking bleak here at the forum...so I guess I had better start watching season 3. What? How will that make things better? Dragons! Maybe and also this time I might include sex stuff!*

• I am not including the sex stuff.

BriMan2222

@DAZ0273 said:
Things are looking bleak here at the forum...so I guess I had better start watching season 3. What? How will that make things better? Dragons! Maybe and also this time I might include sex stuff!*

• I am not including the sex stuff.

But, sex stuff is like 65% of the plot!

DAZ0273

@BriMan2222 said:

@DAZ0273 said:
Things are looking bleak here at the forum...so I guess I had better start watching season 3. What? How will that make things better? Dragons! Maybe and also this time I might include sex stuff!*

• I am not including the sex stuff.

But, sex stuff is like 65% of the plot!

I tried to Google an alternative to "Game of Thrones" so I could joke I had been watching the wrong thing all this time and well...Google has failed me. Every game has a throne.

So I guess sex stuff.

Ned climbed out of his poorly arranged grave. He was upright. In any way that mattered. They put me in this hole, now it is their holes I will be visiting. Thought Ned.

I am going to need a new rating and none of us are going to enjoy it.

StillMonsoon3

Yes but no! Dazfandango!

@BriMan2222 said:

@DAZ0273 said:
Things are looking bleak here at the forum...so I guess I had better start watching season 3. What? How will that make things better? Dragons! Maybe and also this time I might include sex stuff!*

• I am not including the sex stuff.

But, sex stuff is like 65% of the plot!

It's a bit difficult to find online right now, but there is a great SNL pre-recorded skit with Andy Samberg as the GoT sex scene coordinator.

BriMan2222

@StillMonsoon3 said:

@BriMan2222 said:

@DAZ0273 said:
Things are looking bleak here at the forum...so I guess I had better start watching season 3. What? How will that make things better? Dragons! Maybe and also this time I might include sex stuff!*

• I am not including the sex stuff.

But, sex stuff is like 65% of the plot!

It's a bit difficult to find online right now, but there is a great SNL pre-recorded skit with Andy Samberg as the GoT sex scene coordinator.

Lol, there's also a great trilogy of south park episodes about the console wars that is a parody of GOT and at one point they meet GRR Martin, and everything he gets asked about he somehow turns into a story about big floppy wieners dangling in the wind.

DAZ0273

@BriMan2222 said:

@StillMonsoon3 said:

@BriMan2222 said:

@DAZ0273 said:
Things are looking bleak here at the forum...so I guess I had better start watching season 3. What? How will that make things better? Dragons! Maybe and also this time I might include sex stuff!*

• I am not including the sex stuff.

But, sex stuff is like 65% of the plot!

It's a bit difficult to find online right now, but there is a great SNL pre-recorded skit with Andy Samberg as the GoT sex scene coordinator.

Lol, there's also a great trilogy of south park episodes about the console wars that is a parody of GOT and at one point they meet GRR Martin, and everything he gets asked about he somehow turns into a story about big floppy wieners dangling in the wind.

That could be my first season 3 title in this very post!

Gymp28

Would strongly encourage watching at least season 3 & 4.
Season 1&2 are mostly scene setting and character introductions in my opinion.
The battle of blackwater bay was kinda mid…

I’m dying to read the Daz-ified versions of the later episodes

Edit: removed Weiner song link due to spoilers (for Daz)

DAZ0273

@Gymp28 said:
Would strongly encourage watching at least season 3 & 4.
Season 1&2 are mostly scene setting and character introductions in my opinion.
The battle of blackwater bay was kinda mid…

I’m dying to read the Daz-ified versions of the later episodes

Coming soon-ish (TM)!

ThisisClemFandango

No you fool, Daz is light and Clem is dark!

I’m dying to read the Daz-ified versions of the later episodes

I have trouble putting into words my reviews of later seasons. If anything, Daz has proved he is quite the word smith. I do believe that as he nears the end he will say
"How or why is this happening?"

DAZ0273

i've been a bit down on the board recently what with it not being a great place to be fun wise to do this combined with some real life things that have left me a bit defeated. I'll try and watch and bring Season 3 reviews this week, not today though. I hope Jon is still hanging out with the lass from Leeds and that Br(i)an at least gets one assassination attempt this season.

ThisisClemFandango

No you fool, Daz is light and Clem is dark!

Sorry to hear bud
Look after yourself we will all be here *

• possibly, I mean who can predict how all of this is gonna play out

DAZ0273

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 1: Valar Dohareis

Hey, how YOU doin'?

Sorry about that, it's been so long since I did this, I'm kinda nervous. We don't have to make out but maybe if we do, no tongue stuff. So where were we? Ah yes, Season 3 of the game of the thrones. I'll be honest with you, I don't even know what rankings to do this time so we will go as the episode dictates. So what's up with our beloved (?) crew?

We start where we ended - with some people getting a proper fisting. No not like that! Beyond the Pink Floyd concert Samwell and buddies are getting properly punished by the Wights and the White Walkers so, actually, well I guess exactly like that. I guess they are the fisty men. Sam gets saved by Ghost the wolf AND Jeor Mormont. Jeor has the hump because his troops have been annihilated by the unstoppable wave of monsters and decides to head back to the Pink Floyd concert where he can play "I wish you were here" in honour of his now mostly dead band of fisters.

Let's check in on our most useless hero: Hi Jon! The Lass from Leeds leads (see what I did there?) him into the Wildling camp. Y'know, this show knows Jon is a dud coz even some kids pelt him with snow balls and they probably also pee'd "You suck" in the snow. In fact even the fact that Jon has Ned blood in him barely raises an eyebrow until he Meets Mance Raydar. I'm going to check to see if that is trademarked because otherwise I finally have my name for the Gay Dating app I have been waiting to launch! Meet your Mance on the Raydar! First month, all hunks are free! Sorry...I got distracted there, have an extra month free. Where were we? Ah yes, Mance explains that Jeor knew about the White Walkers and that Craster was feeding them kids and so Jon is all "I'm leaving the Night watch!" as if they even care/would notice. Mance is pleased, it's a match!

Elsewhere - and oh my god Fingerblaster is getting dissed by his Dad! Totally brutal! He shall pay for that!

Joffrey goes to flea bottom. I guess Mance Raydar had another customer huzzah! Some other stuff happens but geez it is too dull to recap here.

Moving on.

Stannah Stair Lift is licking his wounds after his defeat. Davos (did I miss him before?) says Melissa is totally to blame and so gets thrown in jail. I guess maybe that matters? We shall see!

Surely Robb must be ready to rumble, right? Oh. Wait he is! He attacks a Tywin castle only to find Tywin wasn't even bothered to defend it and also they had murdered a bunch of Robb's blokes before buggering off. Geez, Robb, even when you finally do something you screw it up. Sigh.

It gets all weird next as Dani heads off to buy an army of warrior eunochs, gets attacked by a scorpion monster thingy and saved by some guy in a cloak who is actually...Barristan Selmy!!! Anybody? Just me who has no clue? Great Mance Raydar username though! Apparently he is real hot stuff and is now signed on to Team Dani.

And there we have it!

I feel we had some really good new ridiculous names so 10/10 there.

Also, a Fantasy Rating of Final Fantasy 8 (the one with the really addictive card game) feels appropriate.

Don't forget - TWO free months of Mance Raydar available if you sign up within the next 7 days (offer does not apply to Jon Snow's) - don't be a punk, find your hunk!

DAZ0273

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 2: Dark Wings, Dark Words.

So you know what this means from that title, right? We are going to have to put up with some Br(i)an at some point. Look I don't like it anymore than you do, I had almost forgotten him but we both know he is going to be having pointless dreams, right? Pshh.

Let's do something fun first! Now that Jon has signed up to Mance Raydar (I let him in), they are are on the march for some less **** lands and a 2 for 1 cocktail bar! They meet up with one of Mance's scouts who is a "Warg" and Jon is like "Girlfriend, what the shizzle?". Wargs it turns out are sort of animal wizards and by seeing through the eyes of an animal can witness the proper fisting that the fisty men got.

Speaking of them, Mormont is trying to nurse what little is left of his Fisty Fellows back to the Pink Floyd Concert but Sam is proper messed up. Mormont is having none of it and orders both Sam and Rast (who has the hump with Sam) to keep Sam alive or else he will kill Rast! Wait, what?!? I'm not sure what the plan is here exactly or how anybody wins?!?

Oh great, it is Br(i)an time. He of course is having dreams about three eyed raven and blah blah blah and ****? You can't shoot the raven because you are the raven? I have no idea. The crew (including also the amazing Shaggydog) Rickon etc are still heading to the Pink Floyd concert when they bump into Jojen and Meera who are loyal to the Stark Clan. Despite only just meeting, Jojen explains that, in fact, Br(i)an is a Warg BUT also something else and he also has "The Sight". All I know is he is obviously now Beastmaster and Tanya Roberts had better show up.

Does anybody care what is happening to Theon? Ha ha, he is being tortured! And then some girl says she is sent to rescue him but instead puts a bag back on his head! Theon cries. Good times!

Joffrey is getting ready for his wedding to Margaery but in proper Mother-in-Law stuff, Cersei basically calls her a **** who totally fakes her caring for poor people bit. Then Sansa also puts the boot into Joffrey when asked about him. The preparations for this Wedding are going well or what I would call "normal". Y'know there was an actual fist fight at my wedding so all of this seems to be going pretty spiffy. Joffrey and Margaery have a chat about Renly and how he once proposed an evening entertainment of "Something painful that could not possibly result in children" - did he mean watching re-runs of the Big Bang Theory?!?!? Probably we best leave this mystery here. They then bond over the idea of killing things. Great.

Robb gets bad news and also bad news, meaning he decides, of course, to pick up his ball and go home in a move that Rickard Karstack (this man WOULD sell you a used car with that name) basically declares is "a waste of time". Oh Rickard, have you not been watching?

There is some Catelyn stuff which is probably important but no thanks.

Hot Pie!!! You get 6 free months to Mance Raydar! Arya and her crew bump into the Brotherhood without Banners who seem like a jolly bunch led by a bloke called Thoros. Uh oh, they have also capatured "The Hound" who knows who Arya is and yup, her cover is blown for like the 64th time.

Jaime, who by now seems to like being captured makes yet another attempt to escape but, eh, fails again and is then taken captive again!

Did anything really happen this episode? Did we advance any further to knowing what is going on? I have no idea. I guess we find out next time.