Terrible, mostly useless Game of Thrones recap thread

Game of Thrones S2 E7 A man without Hono(u)r

We open with Theon being an incredible ****. He let the boys escape, can't find them so blames everybody else, the wispy bearded little tosspot. Even his hounds suck.

In Tywin land, Arya is nearly rumbled (again) because of the way she pronounces "My Lord". Jesus wept, like that is the case breaking clue!

In King's Landing, Sansa has her first ever menstruation which means she now has to marry Joffrey. Everybody is sympathetic.

At Robb's camp, Alton Lannister has been sent to say nuh uh to the peace terms. Then Robb decides he has to go on a trip so Jaime kills, Alton, escapes and is re-captured. Catelyn is forced to try and stop Jaime being killed but then after a chat with him where he is like a Star Wars fan in a chat room with Kathleen Kennedy she is all "**** this, give me a sword!"

With Jon, the lass from Up TH'North mocks him about being a virgin, runs off and leads him into an ambush by her mates. Just like a night in Leeds!

With Dani, stuff happens but really all we care about is the dragons and now she knows where to look for them.

Fantasy Rating: Nah, not even registering
Best fantasy Name: Meh.
DIE! Poor Alton.
Cunning Scheme: Not much in the way of cunning.

Game of Thrones S2 E8 - The Prince of Winterfell

It's been a while and I have mostly forgotten everything so this might be ropey. Let's see!

So stupid bumbling virgin Jon got captured and is going to be killed but the girl from Leeds saves him and then they decide to try and make him into a spy. Meanwhile his mates notice he is missing but don't make a plan to do anything about it. Why would they? They had already been looking for another missing person and failed, they are mostly now just on a jolly.

Over with Dani - she wants her dragons back but is warned to just leave but she isn't doing that and asks to be taken to The House of the Undying. Yeah, I would abandon those dragons in a hot minute. The House of the Undying sounds like something that appears on Chris Redfield's plane ticket as he is given a new mission.

Theon is told that he basically wasted his time conquering Winterfell as he can't defend it and also people are a bit miffed about all the orphan slaughter. Theon, of course, does not listen.

Fingerblaster is making plans to defend his castle and Joffrey is all boasting about how he will fight. His mother obviously realising he is complete tool cooks up a plan - kidnap Fingerblaster's hooker girlfriend but d'oh, she kidnaps the wrong one! Oh how Fingerblaster must laugh!

FB's dad, Tywin can't decide whether to go take on Robb or to go save Cersei and Joffrey. He decides to go have a bundle with Robb leaving Arya behind. She comes up with an actually quite good plan - she calls in her third assassin target with Jaqen H'gharand gives him his own name which she will not rescind unless he helps her and the other too (Mmm Hotpie!) escape, which he does.

Robb has the hump that Jaime is being offered in exchange for the two Stark girls and blames his mother, Catelyn. He makes plans to have Theon's men betray him and then he randomly sleeps with some lady despite being betrothed.

It feels like we are building up to a battle, let's hope it is messy!

Fantasy Rating: OK-ish.
Best fantasy Name: Hotpie obviously but that might also be a different type of fantasy
DIE! The guards got it and so nearly did Jaqen!
Cunning Scheme: The plan went very wrong, oh how Fingerblaster will have his revenge!