Clem vs Daz - Battle of Light and Dark

Game of Thrones S2 E5 - The Ghost of Harrenhall

Crikey where do we start with this one then? Oh that would be the assassination of Renly by the thing that came about from Stannah Lift and Melissa's bit of how yer father which is some sort of shadow monster. This stops an alliance between Robb and Renly and Brienne (no idea) is blamed so she and Catelyn do a runner. Chaos ensues and Littlefinger sees an opportunity for some scheming.

Cersei and Fingerblaster learn about Renly and whilst Cersei is happy Fingerblaster predicts Stannah Lift will be attacking soon. Fingerblaster does a bit of digging and finds out Cersei has stockpiled some magical Molotov Cocktails which will probably burn down their own castle as much as anything else. Fingerblaster decides that maybe it might be a better idea if he was in charge of defending the castle and immediately deletes "Firestarter" from the Kings Landing iPod.

We haven't checked in with Theon recently and...yup, everybody still doesn't care who he is but an army is being put together.

Back with Fingerblaster, he is coming up with plans to deal with Robb but he still can't figure out Arya, who he questions to no avail. She then bumps into Jaqen who she had saved another time. He is working with the Lannister's but says he owes her a debt and offers a discount on murder of get 3 now, presumably pay for it later! Sensibly, she thinks long and hard about this and...oh, somebody has already been murdered at her request. Hmm.

Mormont has lead Jon & co to the Fist of the First Men and...did I stop watching Game of Thrones and accidentally put on a gay porn title? Well it's hard to tell at the best of times. Absolutely no fisting occurs.

Enough of that filth, let's see what Br(i)an is up to! Oh, he is still dreaming about stupid birds and now a flood. Fine.

Dani is holed up with a rich bloke and has now taught her dragons how to breath fire. Everybody wants to either boink Dani or nick her dragons and oh also, Pyat Pree, the warlock! He sounds like a noise your printer makes when it is first turned on.

We started with a bang and ended with Dani avoiding getting banged, so nothing more to see here.

Fantasy Rating: Dragons, magical fire potions, not bad. 6/9 Hobbits
Best fantasy Name: Pyat Pree, whirrrrr, whirrrr, your toner needs changing
DIE! So many and all of them unexpected!
Cunning Scheme: Littlefinger having a blast but I did also enjoy Fingerblaster and his absolutely not magical fire policy.

Game of Thrones S2 E6 The Old Gods and the New Gods Joffrey & Theon They all **** it up

So, as you will know, Theon is one of those wannabe types, always boasting about how cool he is and how he saw Oasis at Knebworth and oh I'm the son of a king and literally NOBODY cares. Well, Theon has an idea - "Who is even more **** than me?" he wonders and then he realises: Br(i)an! So yes Theon goes to Winterfell and captures the castle which quite frankly considering it is defended by Br(i)an who has no usable legs and a couple of people too old to be of any use is hardly worth bragging about down the pub. Look at Rodrick Cassel, he is like 134 years old or something and he is the best they have! Mind you the old fella is having none of it - "I might be older than time itself but I'm not doing anything you say Theon, you complete ****!" or words to that effect he says and then gobs at him. So of course Theon being the big man that he is cut his head off. Welllllll...I say he cuts his head off but what actually happens is that he makes a total and utter **** up of that! He hacks and slashes away at the helpless pensioner and he is making a right old mess, he even has to throw in a kick! Anyway, Osha, the woman who keeps listening to Br(i)an and his dream nonsense shags Theon and then rescues Br(i)an, Rickon (another Stark brat) and Hodor who is some sort of moron. Oh and the wolfdogs of course one of which is called...Shaggydog! Glorious!

Robb finds out what Theon has done and is proper angry. "Why?" he wants to ask Theon. Robb, mate, Theon is an absolute tool! That is why!

Meanwhile, Arya steals a letter about her brother Robb but is spotted by some geezer so ha ha we all know how she solves that problem. Assassination number 2!

On the way back from sending Cersei's daughter basically into exile until she can be married off (a Fingerblaster plan!) the local peasants take the opportunity to tell Joffrey that he is a ****. Proving them right he comes up with a plan: KILL EVERYBODY! Ha ha, it totally doesn't work because he has like 4 troops and they are an entire angry mob and so riots ensue. Cersei, Joff & co make it back but Fingerblaster is all "Why are you such an enormously stupid tit?" He gives Joffrey a good old slap but then all of a sudden...uhm...where is Sansa? Well she got kidnapped by the angry mob, you **** nimboids. Thankfully, our old buddy Sandor is there to save her.

Over with Jon Snow, our general theme of people **** things up continues when after he is ordered to kill a captive from a battle he screws that up and his captive escapes. Oh all right, he sort of does that on purpose coz he isn't a total wanker and then he catches her again. She is called Ygritte - sounds like a Northern lass to me - probably from Leeds.

We end with Dany having **** things up. She let her dragons undefended whilst she was trying to barter for a ship and now everybody is dead and the dragons have been nicked. Also like a night with a Northern lass from Leeds!

Fantasy Ineptitude Rating: Off the charts, can I even rate this - it has to be 15/10 Mr. Bean's
Best fantasy Name: Shaggydog! Somebody get him a scooby snack!
DIE! Just pieces of people all over the place.
Cunning Scheme: Ha ha ha, no this was not the episode for cunning!