Clem vs Daz - Battle of Light and Dark

I am going to have to pause this episode here and all of you know why.

What did I do to you Game of Thrones?!?!?!? I had moved on from Sean Bean, found myself a new hunk to cherish. I had worked out a whole Aquaman based rating system for him, it was going to be fine.

And then you went and did that.

And fine, yes he wasn't very nice and probably deserved it but that doesn't make it right!

You killed him.

In his sleep.

WITH A PILLOW.

I just can't see this working out for us in the long run if you are going to keep doing this. It isn't me, IT'S YOU.

Well I guess we should finish this and then say our goodbyes. Not long left now. We could have been good together, I got over the PIXELS thing. You don't deserve me.

This show is not right in the head. It needs therapy. Or I need therapy. Somebody needs therapy.

So I suppose I probably need to do some sort of recap of Ep 9 and 10 to set myself up for Season 2 and work out where everybody is. This show adds characters at such a fast pace I am not going to pretend I know who I am supposed to be following or concentrating on but almost certainly whoever I choose will be tickled to death or drown in a puddle or something. So where the hell are we?

Ned - dead
Robb - Mustering army
Catelyn - wants to rescue Sansa and Arya
Sansa - needs rescuing
Arya - rescued and now disguised as a boy
Br(I)an - awaiting his next assassination attempt, knows daddy is squirklrghhhh.
Jon - Still at the Pink Floyd concert, still can't leave unless he goes on what seems like a very bad idea of an expedition. So yeah, I guess he is dying soon.
Tywin - doesn't have anybody to make peace with right now but...
Fingerblaster - getting sent to see Joffrey against his will to suck up
Joffrey - total ****
Jaime - Has admitted chucking Br(I)an out the window but not why
Drogo - completely wasted
Cersei - Uhm, still around see Joffrey I guess?
Daenerys - She has been **** dragons it seems, let's go!
Shagga - scored a number one hit with his follow up single " I like Axes!"
Benjen - OK fine, I have no idea Game of Thrones, can we limit this to maybe one or two things?
The White Walkers - I guess they are walking? In a white way? So maybe the are eating avocado on toast whilst quaffing down some pumpkin spice latte?
Little finger: I don't know
Various: At this point, I don't care!

I...I have to stop now. Jesus Game of Thrones how am I supposed to keep track of all of this?!?! I haven't even got to Various and Little finger. I am too tired for this.

So yeah, that was Season 1 of Game of Thrones sort of I think.

@KGB said:

@DAZ0273 said:
Jaime - Has admitted chucking Br(I)an out the window but not why
I...I have to stop now. Jesus Game of Thrones how am I supposed to keep track of all of this?!?! I haven't even got to Various and Little finger. I am too tired for this.

So yeah, that was Season 1 of Game of Thrones sort of I think.

Varys and Littlefinger are major characters. You should care where they are and what they are doing.

Regarding Jaime: You seriously don't know why he can't tell why he threw Bran out the window? It's incredibly obvious.

KGB

I think you might need to re-read what I said. I didn't say that I couldn't tell why, I said he couldn't say why because, uhm, sister shagging/ non right to be king of his brat!

As for your other comment: is, is that for real? This isn't a school project, I'm doing this for fun! Sorry I left out Various, if they crop up again (and SPOILERS clearly they do!) I will mention it or, I dunno, maybe not! Can I not decide for myself who I care about?!?!? Nobody puts Baby in the corner! EDITED!

Game of Thrones Season 2: The North Remembers

So due to the utter stupidity of the writers of this thing killing people I needed for my rankings, we are going to have to switch it up this season with the rating system. So we are going with:

Fantasy Rating: As before
Best Fantasy Name: You can't just be called Bob, it has to sound like somebody smashed together some letters and said Done!
DIE! Somebody tries and/or succeeds in assassinating somebody else (bonus points: with poison)
Cunning Scheme: We will rate this out of LittleFingerBlasters.

So we cold open with Jon and at LAST we have a band of brothers out on a journey! You can't have a fantasy thing without somebody forming a party! Jon had been stuck at the Pink Floyd concert but now he can unleash his inner Final Fantasy! As well as Jon, we have Gren, Mormont who is boss, what sounds like Eddison Toilet (?) and today's Best Fantasy name winner: Samwell Tarly. Now that is a fantasy name with just the right amount of Lord of the Ringness! Anyway - our heroes, searching for the missing (and I have no idea about this guy) Benjen Stark arrive at Craster's Keep where they unsurprisingly meet Craster. This Craster dude is a WUM and a bit of a scumbag but they need his help so they suck it up.

Meanwhile, Joffrey gets annoyed by the late arrival of Dantos(?)...might be Dontos? Wait...I will have to look it up and yes Dontos and is going to have him messed up when Sansa intervenes saying it is bad luck on this day and instead suggests just making him the Court ****. Nice save, Sansa, why didn't you punch him in the nuts too? But I guess Dontos does look like he was auditioning for a part in Hot Tub Time Machine 4 so maybe he deserves it. Then the moment we have been awaiting happens: FingerBlaster in the Court, yo! He announces that he is the new King's wingman and that makes Cersei mad. FingerBlaster reassures them he is all good but yeah right, I think we have some schemes, cunning or not.

Cersei seeks out Little Finger, she wants him to find Arya and they swap veiled threats before she pretends to assassinate him to show him not to mess with her! It didn't take long! Cersei goes back into Court and suggests having Tywin find Arya but Joffrey doesn't care about that, he is far more interested in a rumour he has heard about, uhm, I don't know, all the incest going on! Cersei channels her inner Shagga with a "Wasn't me" answer and then they have a fight which ends in death threat.

Janos Slynt (close second in BFN) gets back to his bad old ways after betraying Ned, he now goes and kills all of King Bob's illegitimate kids in a way that would make Anakin Skywalker say "a bit much, maybe?". Man, Bob be busy with making all those kids though! These guys now also know that Arya and Gendry have left the city.

At Winterfell, Br(i)an has a dream about a puddle and so he wakes up and looks in the puddle.

Where are we now? Ah yes, with King Bob's brother Stannis which wait, isn't that the name of a stair lift? Hold on. No, that is Stannah, I am sure we will get one of them too. Anyway, Stannis is and let me just make sure I have this right, now actually King. King Stan I shall call him. And King Stan has a gal pal, Melissa who seems a bit witch-y to me. Some fantasy gibberish goes on but ends with, hell yeah, Fire Sword! King Stan wants his throne but some bloke called Davos says not yet. Stannis gal pal Melissa had upset some geezer called Cressen by burning statutes but he is all like, no it's fine have some wine. But guess what, the wine is poisoned! But guess also what, Melissa doesn't die! But Cressen does! Coz he drank the wine, the wine he knew was poisoned! Wait, what? So he was on a kamikaze mission and failed completely, dying a useless death? I guess so!

Over with Robb, he has also received the letter about Cersei/Jaime and is asking Jaime about it (who due to my emotional trauma last Season we didn't get to find out has been captured by Robb). Jaime says nothing so Robb sends Alton, also a prisoner, to go see Joffrey with peace terms including the return of his sisters and his dead dad. He also wants the North recognised as a free land. presumably ruled by him. So not much then. Does he want a coffee too? Best get him a coffee.

Last but not least, let's catch up with Daenerys, who despite having awesome (awesome!) dragons is in a bit of a pickle coz now everybody wants to kill her and nick them. So her and her band of people head into the Red Waste which lets face it, doesn't sound like Disneyland does it? They are running out of food including meat to feed the dragons so when her horse snuffs it she has no choice but to send out some scouts to find something apart from death.

Fantasy Rating: Are you kidding? Fire Sword! Get in there with a 10/10 Final Fantasy Tactics
Best Fantasy Name: Samwell is solid but add on a Tarly? Oh yeah.
DIE! Episode 1 and already two (one with poison!) counts of attempted murder (albeit one fake)
Cunning Scheme: 9/10 LittleFingerBlasters I'm thinking coz everybody seems up to something apart from poor Dany, who is probably scheming whilst she waits for somebody to find a McDonald's.

Game of Thrones S2 E2: The Night Lands

I'm not entirely sure why this episode is called what it is or where even The Night Lands are? Maybe they were already in the Night Lands? Well whatever, here we go:

So Gendry, who has been hanging around with Arya also has a secret - he is a King Bob job! Some soldiers come to arrest him but Yoren (who actually rescued Arya) scares them off and then Gendry is all:

"Hey are you a girl?"

Arya: "Ye...no!"

Gendry: "Oh thank god, that terrible haircut is a disguise!"

At King's Landing, Various is plotting against FingerBlaster who is counter-plotting against Various whilst meanwhile, LittleFinger is plotting.

Alton arrives with Robb's terms for handing most everything over to him but these are shockingly rejected!

Fingerblaster has dinner with last episodes best name runner up Janos Slynt basically about who be killing all the younglings? Janos is all "It was my bad self!" so he gets arrested and exiled. Then Cersei confronts FB about this but he decides Joffrey ordered the killings and oh I don't know, shenanigans.

Over with Stannis, Melissa is making goo goo eyes at him and he is like "But my wife!" and then totally gives in.

I forgot that Theon got sent on a mission but nobody cares about Theon and so he achieves nothing.

Dany is still awaiting her takeaway but the delivery driver arrives decapitated and oh that's what the Night Lands are!

Over at Craster's (who I may not have mentioned has like loads of wives who are also his daughters, like a sort of medieval Fred West) Samwell is ready to steal one of the wife's who is scared in case she has a baby boy, he asks Jon and Jon is all "No! I have literally not had one cool thing to do yet and you are bugging me about your girlfriend? Absolutely not!". Later on, Jon see's Craster carrying a baby into the woods and...this is going to be a sacrificing thing isn't it? Craster leaves the baby as a decoy and then he whams Jon and knocks him out. Jon, the amazing warrior who had watched this dude put a baby in a forest and then falling straight into that trap with no follow up questions. Maybe I should have also had a character stupidity rating.

And hey, we are done! Let's see how we fared:

Fantasy Rating: Not...really? I can barely raise a 1 on the Stardust scale
Best Fantasy Name: Eh. Maybe next time
DIE! Nope
Cunning Scheme: 9/10 Everybody is still scheming with I guess Fingerblaster on top this round.