Fake Announcement: New corporate policy

ballingbees

evil panda wrote:

One thing that was not mentioned is that the company decides where you go on vacation. But don't worry, you have the exact same 0.5% chance to go to beautiful Tahiti as you would to slightly less beautiful Detroit!

While it's true that Joe from Acccounting went to Detroit 12 straight times over the last 3 years, it's well within the realm of statistical probability.

Joe gets to go to Detroit?? All I got were Totally Awesome trips to the HotDog stand downstairs

blinktag

ballingbees wrote:

Joe gets to go to Detroit?? All I got were Totally Awesome trips to the HotDog stand downstairs

I got one of those! Unfortunately, I can't ever seem to use it because "the sky isn't blue enough" or some such nonsense.

madok

blinktag wrote:

ballingbees wrote:

Joe gets to go to Detroit?? All I got were Totally Awesome trips to the HotDog stand downstairs

I got one of those! Unfortunately, I can't ever seem to use it because "the sky isn't blue enough" or some such nonsense.

I wish I had that problem. The one I have only works if the sky isn't too blue and we have had clear skies for weeks. I just get to stand there and watch other people get their chili dogs with extra cheese.

Stax the Foyer

Subject: Clarification Regarding Hourly Pay Rates
To: Goons (mailto:staff@demiurge.com);
cc: hola-loyalty@d3.com; At_His_Desk_He_Naps_Dreaming@d3.com; IceIceIceIceIceIceIceIceIceBaby@d3.com

We have received an inquiry into apparent irregularities in our compensation structure.

As you should have deduced from a careful examination of your pay stubs, your hourly pay varies depending on your work schedule. Working consecutive hours will result in a reduction in pay for the second and later hours, with this reduction increasing with increased length of consecutive work. After an 8-hour period of time, your pay rate will return to the stated rate.

Maximum compensation can be achieved by working one hour every eight hours, followed by a six-hour work shift at the end of each pay period. We believe that this maximizes productivity, while allowing employees the freedom to take multi-hour vacations within a 120-mile radius of the office, and to occasionally sleep for as many as seven consecutive hours.

Regards,
The Management

P.S. Feel free to use this downtime to take advantage of our new company fitness program, and use these non-work periods to assault other workers, and earn additional payment based upon the success rate and the timing of those assaults. Workers currently wearing tinfoil hats cannot be targeted for assaults.

udonomefoo

JCTthe3rd81 wrote:

udonomefoo wrote:

I was sooo close! I almost had a token, had completed 1,299 tasks when an employee who has been with the company longer than me punched me in the back of the head and claimed ownership of 50 of the emails I sent.

I complained to HR and they told me to stop crying and work faster.

From: HR representative
TO: Mr./Mrs. udonomefoo

l sincerely apologize for the miscommunication in your recent interactions with my department, HR.

They should have informed you of our company's new safety fetures: Safely Hidden Important Email; line-codes; debugs Lock Down. Or S.H.I.E.L.D. for short.

I want you to know that I just gave this post a standing ovation at my desk and now my assistant thinks I've finally completely lost my mind.

rkd80

This thread is almost as epic as the meme thread.
I award all of you one extra vacation token for creativity.

Note: No actual awards available.

Jathro

Are the odds of pulling a vacation day the same for all employees? I'm willing to pay cash for preferential treatment

Redrobot30

Jathro wrote:

Are the odds of pulling a vacation day the same for all employees? I'm willing to pay cash for preferential treatment

This depends on which floor of the building you are working on. Exchange rates differ if you are working on an odd or even floor. Floors that can be divided by 5 get lower rates while floors that can be divided by 3 have higher rates. If a floor can be divided by both those factors then that floor number will be multiplied by 8 and then divided into 6 and then again multiplied by 4 again.

You know what, now that I think of it, there are only two floors to this building. Why do we have this weird algorithm that seems too random and complex for our circumstances?

Can someone please get Mel from logistics in here for me?

padei_panda

Hi,

We appreciate and encourage your feedback and in particular note that the ¨Tahiti¨ holiday needs urgent changes to its selection. Take note that the and selections are unchanged.

NEW
Get to Tahiti:
Level 1 selection: Travel to Tahiti by boat in 3 weeks. All costs on us.
Level 2: A bigger ship. 2 weeks.
Level 3: By airplane. 20 hours.
Level 4: By rocket. 3 hours.
Level 5: Instant teleportation!

OLD
Get to Tahiti:
Level 1: Get there your way and pay for it yourself.
Level 2: By airplane. 20 hours. We will pay 25% of the fare.
Level 3: By airplane. 20 hours. We will pay 50%.
Level 4: By airplane. 20 hours. We will pay 75%.
Level 5: By airplane. 20 hours. We will pay in full.


Furthermore, people have complained that vacation tokens are wasted once have more than 13 within a vacation. We have resolved this by the introduction of ¨Cutting His/her Amount of Money Paid In Other Nations¨ (CHAMPION) system. So for each additional cover, you can trade for items appearing on the below list: (note that this list varies depending on the vacation)
1st CHAMPION trade: new and improved random vacation cover
2nd CHAMPION trade: Gems equivalent to $500
3rd CHAMPION trade: Medium size S.H.I.E.L.D from HR (great for preventing email credit theft)
4rd CHAMPION trade: 5 Assistance calls - we will help you out no matter the sticky situation.
Etc

We plan to implement these changes in the next monthly meeting (M95). Enjoy!

Best regards
The Management

Wil88

I was so close to getting my 1300th email for my vacation token, but it took longer than expected, and when I finished I found my coworkers had stolen 108 emails.
And to top if off, I can't find any cupcakes in the break room…..I must be working on the wrong floor.

Malcrof

Does anyone have any info on the Vacation Vaults now in place for all assignments done , other than when training new hires? I seem to have missed the memo with the details!

MikeG72

Attn: Customer Service reps,

I don't know how many times I have to say this: I want a TPS report on the top of every email to customers. Also, Milton keeps complaining that someone has taken his red Swingline stapler. Can whoever took it give it back to him? He's dropping by my desk every day and he's even checking under it now to make sure I'm not hiding.

Thanks,
B. Lumbergh

CaptainFrugal

I got lucky and got a vacation day, the bad thing is that it has been nerfed to a half day.

MPQ_Daywalker

padei_panda wrote:

Furthermore, people have complained that vacation tokens are wasted once have more than 13 within a vacation. We have resolved this by the introduction of ¨Cutting His/her Amount of Money Paid In Other Nations¨ (CHAMPION) system. So for each additional cover, you can trade for items appearing on the below list: (note that this list varies depending on the vacation)
1st CHAMPION trade: new and improved random vacation cover
2nd CHAMPION trade: Gems equivalent to $500
3rd CHAMPION trade: Medium size S.H.I.E.L.D from HR (great for preventing email credit theft)
4rd CHAMPION trade: 5 Assistance calls - we will help you out no matter the sticky situation.
Etc

Ever since the ¨Cutting His/her Amount of Money Paid In Other Nations¨ (CHAMPION) system was put into place I've been struggling to achieve 1300 tasks. For some reason I really have a problem getting past 800.

I complained to HR and was informed that because I haven't been here as long as some employees, I'm considered a 3 star employee. The 4 star employees have been here longer and are bigger and stronger than I am and keep stealing my stuff.

I was told that this is working as intended.... there used to be checks in place so that 3* employees would be able to compete more successfully with 4* employees, but once CHAMPION was introduced, those checks were removed. I'm getting the impression that anyone less than a 4* employee isn't entitled to even get a chance at vacation days. I may have to start looking for a new job...

tanis3303

Subject: Policy clarification - RE: We Are The Champions
To: All S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents
CC: Satan; Vlad

Hi Everyone! The powers that be here with an important policy clarification regarding the Champion feature. There seems to be a basic disconnect here in that everyone assumed that participating in this feature would strengthen your existing assets and improve their function. This is not the case, and we apologize for any confusion on the matter.

While we understand how the disconnect may have arisen, we assure you increasing function of your assets was not our intent. The intent of the feature was to charge you a small stipend for the illusion of improved asset function, when in reality the feature was created to resolve a pressing concern that employees who had not paid the accepted amount of dues back to the company were beginning to close the gap between themselves and the higher profile "Wealth Has All the Leverage Employees" or "W.H.A.L.E.s" for short. Obviously, this cannot continue, as it would result in a significant loss to the company's bottom line. If advantage can be gained without monetary expenditure, the company could no longer afford to allocate resources to such improvements as increased stone weight for long time employees, more challenging daily tasks with no increase in salary and of course, exciting new shiny toys to be handed out bi-weekly to our top stone movers.*

We hope this helps to clarify any concerns you may have regarding the Champion feature. Please direct any and all inquires on the matter to HR, and your queries will be addressed in 6-7 business weeks.

Thank you, and keep up the good work!

*Toys cannot be played with without significant resource investment and human sacrifices to RNGesus. Employee experience may vary. Subject to strict time requirements. Please see employee handbook for complete details.

morph3us

udonomefoo wrote:

I was sooo close! I almost had a token, had completed 1,299 tasks when an employee who has been with the company longer than me punched me in the back of the head and claimed ownership of 50 of the emails I sent.

I complained to HR and they told me to stop crying and work faster.

I don't know how you're even getting close to 1300 tasks. I'm working down here in the mailroom, trying to reach my first quota of 800 tasks, and either this grumpy old man, this dude in a big metal suit (how does he even fit that thing into the elevator?), or this redhead come and take a bunch of my mail away. The redhead is cute, but she keeps on throwing all of the stuff in the mailroom at me, before taking the mail! Man, those papercuts hurt.

The guys on the floor above keep on telling me to upgrade my mail sorting equipment so I can get through my tasks faster, but I'm afraid that if that redhead throws the new equipment at me, it's just going to hurt more.

TxMoose

morph3us wrote:

The guys on the floor above keep on telling me to upgrade my mail sorting equipment so I can get through my tasks faster, but I'm afraid that if that redhead throws the new equipment at me, it's just going to hurt more.

I've also heard from the upper floor guys that if you upgrade too much and get too lucky on vacation pulls, you come back from vacation having to push HUGE stones at the quarry and all your emails have to be at least 1000 words. but your email seems to handle it ok, but the quarry work sounds awful.