Fake Announcement: New corporate policy

zeeke

Greetings employee of Demiurge!

We over here at the HR department would like to announce another successful change that might effect you. Following the response to the wonderful roll-out of 5 star characters in the beloved Marvel Puzzle Quest game, we decided two month ago to implement this structure for all your vacation days. Instead of that boring guaranteed paid leave you will now earn tokens that have a 10% chance of getting you a day off!

In order not to discriminate everyone will be part of the system. So who will have that sweet year off traveling in Europe and who will be grinding here at the office all summer. Will it be our CFO or Bob the intern? Who knows?!

But remember: It is more fun this way.

Best Regards
zeeke
Chief Personnel Officer


mod note: this thread has been approved because it is not intended to be taken seriously. it's a joke thread for forum readers to have a good laugh, blow off some steam and keep the forums light, interesting and fun. So come on guys/gals, lets see what we can come up with.

babinro

CPO Zeeke instituted this policy shortly after having used up his vacation time for the current year. He left the company late in the following year having been issued no vacation time in the interim. No reasons were given for this decision.

zeeke

aesthetocyst wrote:

Tell us, CPO Zeeke, how do employees earn these tokens?

One token per week per 5yrs of service? (Rounded down of course...dang those invisible decimals!)

Well thank you for asking aesthetocyst.

There are several ways to earn these tokens;

1: Complete 1300 of any of the following tasks
- e-mails
- meetings
- lines of code
- remove bugs (yes this is a task that could be worked on)
- make coffee

2: Move rocks in our stone quarry
- Work for 2 hours, rest for 8.
- Day, night and weekend shifts are available and required
- One stone, one point
- To make it fair (and more Fun!) older employees have to move bigger stones. Still only counts as one stone.
- Every other or third week you get to move stones with one hand tied behind your back. Heroic efforts!

3: Office Fight club
- Held every 5 days
- A random MMA celeberty fighter will appear and you get a chance to fight them to the death!
- Surviving grants you one vacation token

I hope that clears things up

zeeke
CPO

SnowcaTT

Zeeke,

Thank you very much for this information! It is a vast improvement from the mandatory dress code that was implemented without telling anyone, but which we were punished for not knowing about!

fmftint

I drew a couple vacation days! Trouble is one was dated Jan 22, already passed and can't be used, the other Oct 5th...

FierceKiwi

zeeke wrote:

aesthetocyst wrote:

Tell us, CPO Zeeke, how do employees earn these tokens?

One token per week per 5yrs of service? (Rounded down of course...dang those invisible decimals!)

Well thank you for asking aesthetocyst.

There are several ways to earn these tokens;

1: Complete 1300 of any of the following tasks
- e-mails
- meetings
- lines of code
- remove bugs (yes this is a task that could be worked on)
- make coffee

2: Move rocks in our stone quarry
- Work for 2 hours, rest for 8.
- Day, night and weekend shifts are available and required
- One stone, one point
- To make it fair (and more Fun!) older employees have to move bigger stones. Still only counts as one stone.
- Every other or third week you get to move stones with one hand tied behind your back. Heroic efforts!

3: Office Fight club
- Held every 5 days
- A random MMA celeberty fighter will appear and you get a chance to fight them to the death!
- Surviving grants you one vacation token

I hope that clears things up

zeeke
CPO

You might want to make that one more clear to the staff...I'm pretty sure it was misinterpreted as create bugs!

Mawtful

Well, this thread is probably going to get locked & deleted, but it was a good job while it lasted.

Malcrof

Mawtful wrote:

Well, this thread is probably going to get locked & deleted, but it was a good job while it lasted.

I see no harm in a little fun satire, this thread will stay, please keep it light hearted and refrain from directed attacks or nastiness!



Would definitely love to know what else could be drawn from the tokens!

IamTheDanger

zeeke wrote:

aesthetocyst wrote:

Tell us, CPO Zeeke, how do employees earn these tokens?

One token per week per 5yrs of service? (Rounded down of course...dang those invisible decimals!)

Well thank you for asking aesthetocyst.

There are several ways to earn these tokens;

1: Complete 1300 of any of the following tasks
- e-mails
- meetings
- lines of code
- remove bugs (yes this is a task that could be worked on)
- make coffee

2: Move rocks in our stone quarry
- Work for 2 hours, rest for 8.
- Day, night and weekend shifts are available and required
- One stone, one point
- To make it fair (and more Fun!) older employees have to move bigger stones. Still only counts as one stone.
- Every other or third week you get to move stones with one hand tied behind your back. Heroic efforts!

3: Office Fight club
- Held every 5 days
- A random MMA celeberty fighter will appear and you get a chance to fight them to the death!
- Surviving grants you one vacation token

I hope that clears things up

zeeke
CPO

You forgot the part where only the top 10 employees actually get a vacation day token. The rest get a consolation prize; a different token with a ?% chance of getting to take an extra half hour for lunch the next day.

madok

Hey Everyone!

I left some cupcakes in the break-room that are super duper yummy and will help you get those vacation tokens!

Enjoy!

evil panda

One thing that was not mentioned is that the company decides where you go on vacation. But don't worry, you have the exact same 0.5% chance to go to beautiful Tahiti as you would to slightly less beautiful Detroit!

While it's true that Joe from Acccounting went to Detroit 12 straight times over the last 3 years, it's well within the realm of statistical probability.

udonomefoo

I was sooo close! I almost had a token, had completed 1,299 tasks when an employee who has been with the company longer than me punched me in the back of the head and claimed ownership of 50 of the emails I sent.

I complained to HR and they told me to stop crying and work faster.

Mawtful

Malcrof wrote:

Mawtful wrote:

Well, this thread is probably going to get locked & deleted, but it was a good job while it lasted.

I see no harm in a little fun satire, this thread will stay, please keep it light hearted and refrain from directed attacks or nastiness!



Would definitely love to know what else could be drawn from the tokens!

I had thought that one of the forum rules made specific mention to "impersonating an employee" of D3/Demiurge, but now that I've tried to find it I can't seem to find it. Maybe it got removed? That seems unlikely. Maybe there was never a specific rule? That seems like a bit of an oversight.

Anyway, good to know that this thread has got approval to go ahead.

Redrobot30

While 25 of those Vacation tokens can be used on an actual vacation, you can also use 20 of them to buy yourself an extended lunch break*.


*chances of actual extended lunch breaks can vary from Standard lunches(10 mins.) to what corporate would like to call Legendary Lunches (which is 20 mins. longer than your Standard.)

IamTheDanger

udonomefoo wrote:

I was sooo close! I almost had a token, had completed 1,299 tasks when an employee who has been with the company longer than me punched me in the back of the head and claimed ownership of 50 of the emails I sent.

I complained to HR and they told me to stop crying and work faster.

From: HR representative
TO: Mr./Mrs. udonomefoo

l sincerely apologize for the miscommunication in your recent interactions with my department, HR.

They should have informed you of our company's new safety fetures: Safely Hidden Important Email; line-codes; debugs Lock Down. Or S.H.I.E.L.D. for short. They differ in sizes and duration, and after using one, you must wait 8 hrs before being allowed to purchase another one like it. However, if you have a large amount of work already completed and can't wait the full 8 hrs, you are free to get another S.H.I.E.L.D. in one of our other convenient sizes. for a small fee of course

You see, being protected is very important. Without protection, anyone can take anything from you at anytime. The only time you drop your S.H.I.E.L.D. is to work on your chosen project, ie: debugging, line code, e-mails. Even then, you need to do them as fast as you can, and never do more than 2 or 3 before buying another S.H.I.E.LD. from HR and then putting that S.H.I.E.L.D. up.

Anytime you are working, you are unprotected. Which means that while you spend hours and hours working on debugging, sending/reading e-mail, or adjusting line codes, others can come in and take all you've accomplished in minutes. Some can even take up to 70 or 75 e-mails all at once. You can, of course, retaliate for some of them back, but it will most likely only be about 15 or 20, leaving you unprotected even longer.

So don't forget to see HR and purchase our brand new Safely Hidden Important Email; line-code; debugs Lock Down protection feature. Available in 3 convenient sizes. prices may vary

HR representative.

spatenfloot

Malcrof wrote:

Would definitely love to know what else could be drawn from the tokens!

Well, there is a 0.3% chance of getting a promotion from the token, but you will be required to buy an office to work in.

Pylgrim

Secret communicate sent to only a number of high-rank executives:

Please disregard previous communicate sent accidentally corporate wide. It was meant only for Bob the Intern and the other grunts, to "explain" why will they have to work throughout the summer. Never fret, your two month holidays in Europe are, obviously, guaranteed. We ask your collaboration upholding this little pantomime, saying in front of the riff-raff how "lucky" you were in drawing your holiday "randomly". Thank you.

Best Regards
zeeke
Chief Personnel Officer

Zen808

I drew 50 Vacay tokens and came up with 7 Vacation Days. Definitely feeling good about being ahead of the curve...

Wut? 5 of them are for the same day?!?

Dang it, guess I'll just have to sell the dupes back to HR.

+$0.04 to next paycheck...

I hate this new policy...

Mawtful

Subject: Important Announcement: Holiday Tokens Exploit
To: everyone@demiurge.com

Hello everyone,

We are aware of an increase in employees using an exploit involving Holiday tokens. We're updating Holiday Possibility Queue to address this issue as quickly as we can.

Be advised that employees that have engaged in the exploit are easily uncovered. We are flagging all staff that have participated in the exploit and action is being taken (including the removal of invitations to the company Christmas/End-of-Year party("Sandboxed") ).

This is an unfortunate situation and we'd like to extend an apology to our loyal players that were adversely affected by this.

Thank you.

---

Subject: Re: Important Announcement: Holiday Tokens Exploit
To: everyone@demiurge.com

To provide some transparency; second chances for employees who have supported the Holiday Possibility Queue and have been caught using an exploit are possible. We take each situation on a case-by-case basis, looking at things like severity and how long the person has been employed with us, etc. These employees provided with a one-time, second chance have their employee record rolled back to a time before it was corrupted by exploited gains. The loss of accrued leave can be significant for employees in this situation and we usually do not see further cheating/exploiting from these individuals.

Thank you.

Unknown

how would I go about obtaining a replacement I.d. tag? I tried swiping mine to clock in but the 4x3 cubicle the motorized walkway took me to looks brand new and none of my coworkers are here, kinda new here so i wasn't sure who to ask, sorry if I'm in the wrong thread

also my I.d. is now blank!?

TLCstormz

Who do I need to speak with about these whining cry baby new employees, who keep on interfering with us senior employees?????

I have put A LOT of donations into this company!!!!!!!!!! They have absolutely no rights whatsoever to ANYTHING that I have a chance at earning now, or in the future, or in the past, or in outer space, or under water. Evarrrrr.

They are not allowed to have cheaper parking spots. They are not allowed to have the newest laptops. And they are MOST CERTAINLY not allowed to enjoy working here, under any circumstances!

See you all at golf on Sunday.