Hatin' tinykitty Samurai's MPQ Guide to the NCAA Tournament

UNC_Samurai

Let's start by being honest.  Most of these teams are like Archangel as the 5* essential.  We're shocked when they survive a round.  

TBS' selection show was a colossal train-wreck.  The producers were so desperate, they almost called Ian and asked him to explain Lockjaw's powers.  

[It was nice of the committee to give Oklahoma a slot they didn't deserve, just because they have a big name destined for TV.](http://ftw.usatoday.com/2018/03/oklahoma-trae-young-ncaa-tournament-bracket-reason-reaction-college-basketball-bubble)  Sort of like 3* Elektra.

UConn fired Kevin Ollie.  They say it has nothing to do with his cratering performance, they're claiming it has to do with the brewing storm over an NCAA investigation.  Storm might not be the appropriate description, since [Ollie actually got screwed by Wagner.](http://www.courant.com/sports/uconn-mens-basketball/hc-uconn-men-game-wagner-1112-20161111-story.html)

There's no Louisville in this tournament, either.  Once the FBI investigation went public, they threw Rick Pitino out the door so fast Jessica Jones couldn't find any glass to sweep up.  

I'd call Pitino's firing a Lightning Round, but that's unfair to WannaBSkrull, BL4CKH4M, and WhatFlappinYo.  [It takes them longer than 15 seconds to clear their seeds.](https://deadspin.com/5599052/rick-pitino-lasted-15-seconds-and-other-things-of-note)

Louisville has a thing for disappointing characters.  After all, [they hired 4* Ghost Rider to be their football coach.](https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2014/1/9/5288648/bobby-petrino-louisville-scandal-timeline)

Watching Virginia play is like facing boosted Rogue in PvP.  It's two hours of my life I'm never getting back.  Craig could sing One Shining Moment and it still couldn't make it more offensive.

[Bob Huggins'](https://hailwv.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/138/files/2015/12/bob-huggins-ncaa-basketball-west-virginia-virginia-tech.jpg) West Virginia Mountaineers have scored 2,707 points this season.  Another 25,293, and Deadpool can use him to win a match.

Somehow Xavier is a #1 seed despite their season ending so badly, the Luke Cage writers felt sorry for them.

They've also been to the tournament 27 times and have never reached the Final Four.  I call that the Boss Rush of March Madness; they never make it to Round 5.

[Sean Miller is still coaching Arizona despite the FBI looking into potential bribery charges.](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2018/02/23/report-details-more-than-20-players-and-programs-implicated-in-college-basketball-probe/?utm_term=.1f8322c2ca15)  He's spent so much time around an agent, he might as well change his name to 5* Hawkeye.

Half the teams have at least one mediocre player who decided to transfer.  That's not what they mean by 2* farming, guys.

Someone tell Tai "Fisk" Wynyard, [that's not what we meant by Blue Maggia Muscle.](https://deadspin.com/report-suspended-kentucky-player-went-to-a-party-with-1822783050)

I call UCLA "Danny Rand", because both their flights to Asia were disasters.

How did Butler make this tournament after [their dismal performance at Madison Square Garden?](https://www.indystar.com/story/sports/college/butler/2018/03/09/villanova-overpowers-butler-87-68-big-east-semifinal/410925002/)  They bombed so bad this weekend, New Yorkers thought Fox had released another Fantastic Four movie.

Duke's biggest weakness is Daredevil.  He's the one guy Grayson Allen can't trip.

Duke should replace its mascot with Janet van Dyne.  Not because they're the waspiest team in the ACC, but they might as well live in New Jersey.

Give the Dookies credit, though.  They tried real hard to find a use for 5* Archangel.  [They even developed their own airborne villain.](https://deadspin.com/disease-outbreak-forces-duke-students-to-abandon-flu-ri-1822636776)

Providence should replace [its mascot](https://deadspin.com/look-into-the-face-of-march-madnesss-cruelest-mascot-1823690107) with 4* Iceman.  Bobby might be less creepy.

The Tar Heels should replace their mascot with 5* Gambit...because everybody wants to know why the hell we weren't nerfed.

**Removed all caps from title - Ducky