Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napole

edited November 2014 in Off Topic
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From reddit, subreddit whowouldwin, written by user thisstorywillsuck: ... ar/cmc378x

Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon Bonaparte play a game of Risk

“I send my armies north, to Great Britain!” Alexander declared, thumping the table with his fist.

“Alright, Alex,” Napoleon said, running his hand over his face. “There’s no sea lane between Western Europe and Great Britain so you can’t-”

“Then I shall make a passage!” the Macedonian said. “My men will construct a causeway across the English channel just as they did in Tyre. You, too, will tremble before the might of-”

“For the last time,” Napoleon said through gritted teeth. “That isn’t how the game works. You can’t just make-”

“Can’t?” Alexander repeated. “No man tells Alexander what he can or cannot do!”

“Fine!” Napoleon said. “But you have to give up a turn so that your men can build the causeway or whatever.”

“This is an outrage!” Genghis Khan yelled. “First you allow this imbecile to begin the game by possessing Mongolia,” he said, pointing at Caesar, “and now you would let this child build a bridge across the English channel?”

“Calm down, Genghis,” Caesar said. “We forgave you when you lit China on fire.” The Roman gestured to the scorch marks over China on the game board.

“Maybe we should just continue the game,” Napoleon said. “Caesar. It’s your turn.”

“Very well. My legions attack Venezuela.”

“That’s fine,” Napoleon said. “But please stop making that same joke about-”

“The die is cast,” Caesar said, chuckling to himself as he rolled the dice. Napoleon rubbed his eyes as the Roman defeated Alexander’s defenders. “Ha!” Caesar laughed. “Veni, vidi, vici, Venezuela! And, with that, I have claimed the continent bonus for South America.”

“It’s the smallest continent bonus,” Alexander said. “And you nearly lost your entire army taking Venezuela.”

“I will not apologize for my bold strategy,” Caesar said, glaring at the Macedonian. “Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never-”

“The valiant never taste of death but once,” Napoleon finished. “Now, can we all stop quoting ourselves and just play the game?”

“It is my turn,” Genghis said, eyeing the Middle East hungrily.

“Attack Japan, Grandpa!” a voice said from behind the Mongol.

“Wait outside, Kublai,” Genghis said, waving his hand at the boy. “I will deviate my forces to Afghanistan-”

“A waste of manpower,” Alexander said, shaking his head.

“- so that I may bring the Mongol horde down upon the Middle East!” Genghis finished.

The Mongol overwhelmed the few troops Napoleon had stationed in the Middle East. Genghis became so excited with his conquest that Alexander had to wrestle the matches out of his hands before he burned the board again.

“Alright,” Napoleon said. “It is time you old men learned how a modern general conquers. I take all of my soldiers out of Northern Europe and march them into-”

“Jupiter dammit,” Caesar said, shaking his head.

“Russia!” the Frenchman yelled, striking his fist in the air. The entire table groaned.

“Not this again,” Genghis sighed.

“My last two attempts were unlucky,” Napoleon said. “But this time, there is nothing to stop me.”

“Make no mistake,” Caesar said, extending his hand, “I am happy to crush your armies for the third time, but I am starting to believe you have a problem. Just leave Russia in the past. Move on. Nobody can conquer Russia in the winter, anyway. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Nobody?” Genghis asked with raised eyebrows.

“Maybe not in winter,” Napoleon said. “But this isn’t winter. It’s March. March 15th! That’s right, Julius! It’s the Ides of-” Napoleon rolled the dice, but only scored a three. “Merde!” he finished.

Napoleon rolled again and again, but he could not score higher than a six. Caesar patted him on the back once the Frenchman's entire army had been annihilated.

“Well, well, well,” Alexander said. “With Napoleon’s armies crushed, there is a power void in Europe. It is time for me to send my forces to Great Britain and solidify my strength.”

“Will you allow him to do this?” Genghis yelled. “He has clearly violated the laws of the game.”

“How about we vote?” Napoleon shrugged.

“I’ve never found voting to be an effective way of resolving disagreements,” Caesar said.

“We know,” Genghis said.

“Just let it go, Genghis,” Napoleon said. “He doesn’t even have that many men. You’ll probably win the battle.”

Napoleon’s prediction proved false. Alexander crushed Genghis’s forces and conquered Great Britain.

“The island is mine!” Alexander said. “Soon there will be no more worlds left to conquer!”

“Just don’t cry about it,” Napoleon sighed.

“You will gain nothing from Great Britain!” an agitated Genghis Khan yelled, rising to his feet. “I shall demolish my own cities, salt the fields, and burn the forests! You inherit a wasteland!”

“Genghis,” Napoleon said, putting a hand on the Great Khan’s arm, “We’ve been over this. The game doesn’t work that way.”

“No it does not!” Alexander yelled, standing as well. “Because I am the one who will scourge Great Britain off the face of the Earth! Not a blade of grass will remain! Any boy taller than the wheel of a wagon will be put to the sword! For centuries, the people of Great Britain will fear the name, Alexander! Your-”

Suddenly, one of the doors in the room swung open. An old man leaned into the room and shook a cane at them.

“Would you four keep it down in there?” JP Morgan yelled. “Rockefeller, Carnegie, Ford, and I are trying to play Monopoly in here!”

“Sorry,” Alexander said, taking his seat as the businessman slammed the door shut.
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